Danny Tincher
djt002@marietta.edu
SATIRE: Earlier this month The Mock-olian had an exclusive chat with our new Provost, Dr. Rand.
That’s right fellow Mariettans, there’s a new provost in town, and you can bet your bottom nickel that this semester’s going to be an exciting one. Your favorite non-print college newspaper on this side of the Mississippi talked to our new provost about her plans for radical change on campus this semester. The following is a synopsis of the Provost’s “14 Points for Marietta College” in the upcoming semester, excluding the plans that were redacted for extreme use of profanity, improper English, and use of the word “blarney.”
Provost’s 14 Points
1. The school colors will be changed to beige and off-white so that all students may enjoy them regardless of colorblindness.
2. A new school uniform will be adopted where all males will wear beige and off-white polos and khaki’s, while females will be required to wear blouses and pants of the same color. This will be required daily attire, however you may wear tan pajamas at night if you agree to a tuition hike.
3. <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> Putnam <Redacted> <Redacted> Pioneer <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> Banjo <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> <Redacted> track and field <Redacted> <Redacted> Hogwarts.
4. All dining options besides Gilman will be closed down, so that if there is a food poisoning crisis, it will be much easier to locate.
5. Students will no longer be able to eat off campus, in order to support our on-campus dining hall in full spirits.
6. Additionally, cooking in the dorms will be prohibited on certain days, in order to save on the electricity bill for the college. However, Provost Rand is not without mercy, and will allow cooking in dorms on any day of the week that does not end with a “y”.
7. <Redacted for use of the word “blarney”>
8. Since there have been complaints about various past changes in dining services, the Gilman Dining Hall menu will now consist entirely of mashed potatoes. No sides, gravy, salt or pepper will be provided, so that all portions will be completely equal.
9. <Redacted>
10. Classes will no longer be held on Labor Day, because no one is 100 percent a dork.
11. All students will be barred from going into town on days with festivals, since we are first and foremost an academic institution, not a party school. Anyone caught off campus will be put on academic probation. Of course, in order to catch said students, all staff and faculty will be at every festival for the entire time.
12. All school traditions will be cancelled, as they might also distract students from studying and doing homework. Homecoming King and Queen will be selected by raffle, and will be announced the day after graduation.
13. Use of the so-called word “funner” in a paper or conversation will be justification for immediate dismissal from the college, without refund. On your way out, do not pass go, or collect $200.
14. <Redacted for unsportsmanlike behavior, repeat 1st down>
That’s right Marietta, it’s shaping up to be a bland year.
The full transcript can be found at http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gullible
